18 Apr The PRINCIPAL OF THE MATTER
As a child I would hear adults in conversation and certain phrases would stand out to me-one in particular was “It’s the principle of the matter”. I remember paying close attention to the pitch in their voices, the tone and the wrinkles in their foreheads; the validation offered by everyone involved in the dialogue and at the end of what seemed like a never-ending frustrating conversation the overall consensus was- “it’s just the principle”.
I grew older. I invested my time and energy into people, into connections, into relationships. I began to understand “value”. I began to pay close attention to how I valued people, how I valued my connections, how I valued my relationships. I made it a point to model, to verbalize how I wanted to be valued. What I did not do was prepare myself for those who did not pay attention to or value me enough to…I mean, basically value me.
I found myself disappointed, feeling unworthy. Unappreciated. Angry. I found myself in conversation with friends, family members, co-workers- with a high pitch in my voice; wrinkles in my forehead; my concerns were validated- and at the end of what seemed like a never-ending %itch session the overall consensus was “it’s just the principle of the matter”.
Then a light bulb went off, it IS my responsibility to model to others how I want to be treated, valued and appreciated. It IS most definitely my responsibility to say these are the things I need to feel valued and appreciated-and when there has been an offense, it IS my responsibility to state that the offense has occurred. Then what do I do? I do nothing, I expect nothing. I just observe. Why?
First of all, value comes from within. The most powerful thing you can do is understand your worth, own it and others will begin to become aware of it. Secondly, it is not your duty to change the behavior of others; it is only your obligation to make the person aware. It is important to understand offenses will happen. It’s inevitable. People are made of error. It’s essentially what is being done after the offense has been bought to light that matters the most. In other words, what is done with the information (seen or unseen, heard or unheard) is a further testament of the value they have for you or the situation. Lastly, if you have made the person aware and the behavior goes unchanged, accept this behavior as one’s character- it’s their “principle”-and that’s just how they move when handling matters. Make a decision on how you will interact with the person moving forward, and until you see a change in their “principle”, stay consistently protecting your energy and watch those never-ending %itch sessions begin to decrease. It is not the way in which you were handled that brings resolve-it only reveals a person’s principles but the way in which you move based on how you were handled is what will bring you peace. Remember, it’s “just the principle of the matter”.
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